The John Report: The Raw Deal for 11/09/09 (DX vs. Jerishow)

Welcome to the Raw Deal. Every week I watch Raw, give my thoughts on everything that went down, bring it home with the three stars of the show plus a final rating and then end the Raw discussion with the thoughts from my friends on Facebook in the weekly Commentfest, which is getting over huge according to the positive emails I receive about it on a weekly basis.

Live from Sheffield, England here’s the Raw Deal…

This week’s guest host is boxer Ricky Hatton
He came out to a nice welcome with the Bella chicks. He was pretty heavy although that’s what happens when guys are between fights. After a video of him winning some title in Sheffield a few years ago out came Jericho and Show. They did the usual act of bullying the guest host with Show daring him to punch. He got on his knees, but Jericho stopped it. Chris did his usual awesome ranting with the big words, then Hatton said he couldn’t understand it and out came DX. Hunter called Jericho “Mr. Bean” and we got our main event of the night being Jerishow vs. DX. This would have been great except we see these same four guys interacting with the guest hosts almost every week.

Alicia Fox d. Kelly Kelly (1/2*)
The best female worker, Gail Kim, was in Kelly’s corner. I guess because they’re on the same team in the Divas match at Survivor Series. They were off in the match. Out of place a few times and it didn’t look good. Kelly hit her fameasser thing, it looked awkward. I thought Alicia was hurt. She was not. She won with her axe kick thing for the win. Next week it’s Melina defending against Alicia. Melina will win. By the way, Melina stared at the screen again for the second week in a row. What a dream job.

Backstage, Hatton was there with his son that was about as big as Hornswoggle. Cena was there being nice to the kid. Cena was given the night off because he’s got the big PPV match. Or maybe because they worry the fans would boo him? I don’t know.

Sheamus d. Jobber Boy (1/4*)
Jamie Noble’s got serious injuries. No specifics of course, but they are serious. He’s probably not wrestling anymore, but I’m pretty sure he already works backstage as an agent. Sheamus did a promo, then beat the shit out of this guy. He ended it with the Razor’s Edge finisher although they don’t have a name for it. If they’re smart at Survivor Series the sole survivor on Team Miz should be Sheamus. By the way, the announcers busted out the SERIOUS VOICES~! for the entire match.

Hatton talked with the Bella girls. I love those backstage segments with the chicks talking to the host like it’s some real conversation even though it comes off as phony. Comedy time with Santino wearing a fat suit calling himself Ricky Fatton. Chavo came in to bitch about Santino sucking up to the guest hosts every week. This all led to a boxer vs. wrestler match although it wouldn’t be Santino, it would be Hatton. Then they played darts, Chavo threw a terrible dart and Hatton hit a bullseye. I guess playing too much darts is how he got so fat.

Miz talked about beating Morrison’s team at Survivor Series. So much for Bragging Rights being a special chance to see Raw vs. SD guys, huh? Swagger interrupted saying he should be captain of the team. They bickered back and forth. Please don’t turn either of these guys face. They Miz did the “really” thing again. I’m tired of the “Really” shit. They ripped it off of SNL, which is only mildly funny at best these days.

Evan Bourne (or Braun) d. Jack Swagger (*3/4)
It was a good five minute match. Miz came out, distracted Swagger and Bourne won. Swagger’s “undefeated to end 2009” streak is already over. I still don’t know what the point of that was. It’s sad that Evan Bourne winning a match is considered an upset because he’s such a talent he should be winning matches on a regular basis. Miz said that’s why he’s the team captain. You go, girl.

ECW this week has Regal challenging Christian for the belt in England for the last time. Regal’s probably winning. Unlike anything on Raw, they will actually get time.

It was VIP Lounge time with MVP and Mark Henry. Here are some notes on this segment from a reader of mine named Eric Corbridge:
“Being that it was not airing live they may be able to edit the tape, but Mark Henry and Cody Rhodes REALLY effed up during the VIP lounge. Mark Henry referred to Kofi as being the captain of their Smackdown Team. MVP corrected him by asking him if he meant their “Survivor Series” team, but….WOW. Rhodes was a little more confusing in his flubbery. He was talking to MVP and mentioned that he was hanging around with an ex-con (or something to that effect). Unless Kofi or Mark Henry did something that I’m unaware of (or maybe pretending you are Jamaican is now a crime), then Rhodes was supposed to be talking to Kofi and not MVP. Anyway, it just came across as being confusing. To be honest, it was kinda nice to see the person screwing up NOT be the guest host for once.”

Thanks Eric. They did edit. They also did a lot of racial overtones as Kofi Kingston (aka Kobe Johnson) came out. Orton got into VIP Lounge by staring at the security guy. If you can’t get into a club, try the Orton viper-like stares because those will get you in. Orton said MVP’s a criminal, Kofi should be in jail for what he did to his car, but he didn’t press charges because he wants to make him pay at Survivor Series. I’d press charges. Maybe that’s just me. Orton said Legacy were all born in the business while they (the three black guys) belonged in the hood, so Kofi slapped him. Orton stared.

Randy Orton d. Mark Henry (*)
I just want to thank WWE for not doing this match on a PPV or anything like that. I had fear that they would when Henry came to Raw. Henry looked tired after about thirty seconds. I think that VIP Lounge segment tired him out. Orton won with the RKO after about five minutes.

Ricky Hatton d. Chavo Guerrero (DUD)
This was not like MMA. It’s not even close. Hatton had gloves on and could win via knockout while Chavo could only win via pinfall or submission. Chavo’s a good comedy heel that the crowd hates, so they were supportive of Hatton here. They gave Chavo a bit of offense like a takedown and a light kick. He went for a waistlock, Hatton got out using the power of his gut and drilled Chavo in the head with a punch for the KO win. Chavo being made to look like a douche by the guest host. Same shit every week.

Next was Cena talking with Hornswoggle. He was in DX gear again. Then Cena heard DX was coming, so he told the midget to go. Detective Shawn and Hunter the McMahon Family Avenger thought Horny was around. Cena said no. DX did a gay joke about never “tweeting eachother,” which wasn’t as funny as HHH probably thought. Hey, they actually mentioned the title! They said one of DX is leaving with the belt. Considering that they move the belt on every PPV that could be true. Horny came in wearing Cena gear, then did Cena mannerisms. Then DX left, Horny took off the Cena merch and was wearing the DX stuff. He did the DX chops to enjoyment. This was a terrible segment that did nothing to promote a triple threat WWE title match at what is supposed to be one of the big four PPVs. Furthermore, if DX was so mad with Horny wearing their merch couldn’t they just ask somebody that WATCHES THE SHOW that can see that he was wearing their stuff? Ugh, this hurts my head. Let’s move on.

I love how they did a recap of the week before featuring Masters doing the titty dance. I swear Vince McMahon probably thought that was the greatest thing ever.

Next week’s guest host is Roddy Piper from MSG in New York. Awesome. I love me some Piper. And I’m sure he’ll have a lot of energy especially after the vicious rumor put out there a few weeks back by a stupid internet “reporter” that is known to be classless.

DX d. Jericho & Big Show (*3/4)
Cena was on commentary. He added nothing. I think he was worse than Michael Cole. I thought Cena had some energy and some comedy in him, but here he was boring as hell. The match went about 13 minutes. They didn’t seem to be working that hard. That’s not to say it was necessarily bad. It just didn’t feel like some kind of epic main event. They worked over HHH and HBK got the hot tag. The big story was Big Show went to KO Michaels with the punch except that he ducked and Jericho got KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT~! by mistake. Hunter clotheslined Show out and Michaels covered for the win.

After the match, announcer Justin Roberts told us next week’s main event in New York. It’s a triple threat tag match. I’m so fucking tired of triple threats. Once the blog is up and running perfectly I’ll do some kind of rant about triple threats. Anyway, the match is DX vs. Jerishow vs. Cena and his partner…The Undertaker. Remember folks, Bragging Rights was the only time you would see Raw vs. Smackdown! Or not. Big main event. Hopefully they do it right and give it 20 minutes of in-ring time because it could really be fun.

Three Stars of the Show
1. Chris Jericho – He was great in the opening and worked the majority of the main. Vintage awesome Jericho.
2. Sheamus – About the only thing on the show I really, really liked. He comes off as a legit badass.
3. Chavo Guerrero – For putting up with the same shit every week. And I had nobody else anyway.

Rating: 3.5 (out of 10)
Last week: 5

It was below average, nothing special. I think the 3.5 is being generous. Maybe being sober for once is why I’m being so nice. I think the build for the Cena/HHH/HBK match has been awful. Instead of talking about the seriousness of wanting to be champion, they’re involving the midget that nobody really cares about so that they can try to be funny. You’re not going to sell a PPV based on one liners. It needs to be about the title and the match. I really wish they got their priorities in order.

I can say that I’m excited about next week with Piper hosting because I love his energy and I love shows in NYC. I wish I could say the same about the Raw Survivor Series title match.

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Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the CommentFest while my comments, which will usually be sarcastic, will follow in the brackets when necessary.

The goddamn flashback has VINTAGE in it. (You can’t stop vintage.)

When are they supposed to start using the Nicklecrack song? I’m not hoping for it- BY ANY MEANS- I’m just wondering. (Next week. I’m not looking forward to it either.)

Well, nothing like starting RAW off with the Bella bimbos, err… Twins.

Hope Hatton can finish the whole show tonight. Last couple of sporting events he’s had a small issue of not being able to finish.

That’s either ricky hatton or my creepy uncle.

WTF IS HE SAYING?

The rumors of Ricky FATton were true! He must be on the same ab workout regime as Eric Escobar.

Ricky Hatton looks less imposing than Seth Green.

Wow, he seems nervous. You think he thinks Mayweather is coming after him? (The jokes about Hatton losing are great.)

Hey isn’t that Ricky Hatton-Canton? I think so…Guess it’s not as funny as Sharon Osbourne-Canton. (“I’m not gay, but I’ll learn.” – Homer Simpson)

Welcome to the manchester accent america, we dont talk like dick van dyke in mary poppins.

Does the creative team just recycle the script every week? How many guest host does jerishow have to interrupt. (Yes they do. You shouldn’t have to ask.)

Thank goodnness. Jericho with a save and a beauty…

I was thinking about sending jericho a thesarus but I see he already has one.

VINTAGE DX SAVE!!! 9:12 (I guess that has become vintage hasn’t it?)

Jericho doesn’t back down from Taker but he does from Hatton?! WTF Creative?! (They don’t watch Smackdown.)

WHAT…NO GLOW STICKS…I’M SAD…THAT MUST MEAN THEY’RE NOT READY….

Technically speaking, Mr. Levesque, there have been 4 different Degeneration-X’s. HBK HHH and Chyna, HHH X Pac and company, HHH and HBK only x2. There is only one JeriShow, however.

No HHH… that’s not the way it goes because there’s only DX, thats the way it goes because you threw a fit and wanted it scripted that way…CRAP DID I SAY THAT!!! Vinnie Mac is gonna hunt me down for dissin’ his son-in-law!

At times when it’s the same opening every show, I daydream and wish that Stone Cold would just come out and give everyone a Stunner. It would make more sense than these opening promos.

Kelly Kelly…wheres the Kelly Kelly guy at? (See that Kelly Kelly guy? Your fans love ya!)

Oh, look a divas match. Its too bad that the only thing people pay attention to in these matches are the jiggiling ta-ta’s and the chance to watch some moves that portray them doing a 69. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to watch that?!?!

OMG!!!l They showed Mickie James-Canton, somebody better go check on John to make sure he’s ok. (Thanks for the concern. I’m fine.)

VINTAGE SMART SEXY AND POWERFUL DIALOGUE FROM COLE!!!

Anyone hoping mickie james canton shows up and goes all kanye west on this divas match. (Yes. But I also hope for a lot of Mickie James-Canton things that are unrealistic.)

Mid show they are going to swap Hatton’s Kid with Hornswoggle and see who notices.

I need to see how much I need to donate to the Jamie Noble get well soon foundation…

Sheamus is going to do what the Irish always have done!!! Shoot, I thought he was gonna get “pissed” on Guiness and then play old U2 albums till the wee hours o’the morn!!! (You forgot about the Lucky Charms, but well done.)

Vintage Razor’s edge.

RAZOR’S EDGE….I just marked out for that drunken bastard.

I bet that Razors Edge was Triple H’s idea. Looks like someone in The Kliq has been replaced! (No. I think Sheamus has to babysit HHH’s kids now.)

Attn Talent Relations: It is now mandatory for every 5th heel hired to have a lisp.

I would not go to a fitness center owned by a guy with a double-chin.

VINTAGE SELF DEPRECATING RACIST JOKE CHAVO!!!

Jerry Lawler…a “tap out” hold??? Seriously didnt you wrestle…a submission s’il vous plait.

Really Little Boy REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY (That reminds me I wanted to punch Sharon Osbourne in the face last week. Definitely.)

Swagger and Miz arguing for team captain is like watching an episode of Saved by the Bell… and Cole is Screech…

oh oh… jack swagger is coming down to fight evan bourne… let me set my timer… im hoping they break their record for shortest job to swagger!

Evan Brauns second match…lets see what he has instore for us tonight. (Evan Braun reference = gold.)

Yay for the Brits chanting Miz is Awesome!

Holy shit Michael Cole actually sounded legit surprised that evan Bourne won a match!!!

How did the get MVP over there felons can’t get passports… (If you know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy he can hook you up.)

Give it up for Kobe Johnson.

Highlight of Raw: Team Kool Aid opening the bottle of champagne and realising they had no glasses. (Maybe they were going to chug it?)

Christian is now changing his gimmick to Token. (South Park references = win.)

MVP: It took a lot of heart to key and fuck up someone’s vehicle, Kobe….almost as much heart as it takes to send this TERRIBLE MESSAGE to the black youth that look up to us….

Blast, where did I put my drink… I can’t deal with this much staring sober! (Hey yo, it’s Scott Hall!)

Baby oil brigade ftw. (They should put that on a t-shirt.)

I know im not the only one that looks at this and thinks that Randys a racist “u guys should be in jail” …whoa “street thugs” whoa… “ex-con” … (Vince thinks it’s genius writing.)

randy orton: “yall ain’t nuthin” haha!! i knew he was black!

Typical black guy/white guy shit talking lines. Back to tha hood, yo daddys bank account, it was like Higher Learning there for a second. Rappaport is gonna start picking people off. WWE Universe: A Place For Racism! Bring the kids!

Next weeks mvp lounge guest….jimmy walker and kunta kinte

Vintage Randy Orton!!! 10:15pm

VINTAGE RANDY ORTON… thanks Cole, I was barely paying attention until then!!! (Michael Cole, keeping one probable drunk guy’s attention since November 9, 2009.)

So all joking aside, depending on how they finish it when they do, isn’t it nice to see the WWE elevating someone like Kofi. Finally.

Orton feeling on kool aid man booty, how else can u explain that body slam attempt. Vintage Pat Patterson move! (Vintage John Canton putting a gay joke in the commentfest? Yes, it is.)

Look at those English fans cheering on the heel cuz he can actually wrestle. Geez what’s wrong with them?

My cat has been watching RAW too much. He’s got the Orton stare down pat.

WSM = Will Sodomize Men? (Wrong. Just plain wrong.)

Jeri-Show graphic again! Seriously claim royalties and show them the Commentfest, it’s got timestamps to back you up. (To be fair, I started calling them that, not the commentfest. And I always spelled it Jerishow, so I got nothing.)

GIVE KOBE KAMALA’S MUSIC!!! YESSSSSS!!!!!! (No. Anything Kamala related is sacred.)

Ok, that was AWESOME to see a fan either spit or throw his beer at Chavo and Chavo almost went after him, but realized the guy was over 3 ft 5 inches, making him not a midget and therefore he could not beat him!

Redneck music, mexican sombrero and poncho, a boxer and a wrestler in a MMA match? Okay who’s confused about their product…

Do you think Chavo hated life more now or back when he was Lt. Loco in the Misfits in Action in WCW. (He’s probably paid less now since WCW overpaid everybody, so I’d say he hates it more now.)

MICKIE JAMES!!! (I just want to make it onto the John Report at this point!) (Fine you’re in, but next week you better call her Mickie James-Canton or else you don’t get in. I’m technical like that.)

Shame chavo couldn’t lock on a tapout hold.

Chavo Guerrero, Hatton just knocked you the fuck out!

There you go Hatton. Now you know how Pacquiao felt.

So how does this Chavo v. Hatton match work storyline wise? I mean according to WWE these wrestlers punch, slam, and do more things than boxers do without gloves and only have to beat a 3 count so what gives? But then again I use something called my brain. (My advice is to stop using that brain thing.)

Funny that triple h points out that jerishow does the same thing every week, considering the fact that dx comes out during the guest host every week. Pot calling the kettle black.

HAHAHA they’ve never Tweeted each other, not that there’s anything wrong with that! LOVE HHH’s gay comments. (He loves them more.)

OMG…. John Cena not in a match!!!!….. did someone drug creative? (Actually they are always on drugs. This week they were straight edge.)

That wasn’t that bad but you have to remember that when you are having a 3 way title match between 3 faces in today’s wwe you have to be cheesy and corny.

Alright- my woman wants to check her facebook, so I’m signing off this early and am going to “enjoy” the main event- VINTAGE COMMENTFEST CRACKAS! (Thanks for posting, Triple H. You’re so whipped. Then again she has more money than you, so good for you!)

McMahon loved the master boobs that we had to have a raw rewind of it…

YES!!!! THEY HAVE GLOW STICKS THIS TIME! (So that means they’re ready.)

IM SKIPPING WITH MY GLOW STICKS…WEARING MY BIGGEST MEMBER SHIRT…AND HAVE MOREARMBANDS ON THAN NESSICARY…YES…I AM READY!! (Told ya they’re ready.)

OMG NO VINTAGE HIGH KNEE. Keep talking Cena because Cole isn’t.

I really need John to his facts straight. Big Show is not 550lbs & that is not a half a ton. (Talking about Cena, not me.)

Where is the continuity? Cena goes from joking with Swoggle to being uber serious? WTF, talk about mood swings. (Maybe Tampax is a new sponsor for WWE and Cena’s having his time of the month? I know, that’s just wrong.)

Cena comments like he wrestles…except he puts people over with his words.

Vintage Shawn Michaels – 11:03pm.

Actually, John Cena, if the Big Show was taking all 441 pounds of him and running at 8mph, it would be a force of 715.264 newtons. Silly John Cena. Clearly not a fan of physics. (I have no idea if it’s right. I skipped physics class. Bunch of nerds.)

Holy crap a main even that makes sense! Good God where has the creative team disappeared to?

Mickie James-Canton is bootylicious and has awesome recently repaired sweater kittens. There, just in case I hadn’t made the Raw Deal before that should get me in. (This guy made it in plenty, but that was such a complimentary post that it gets in too.)

It wasn’t a fantastic show tonight…but with Piper hosting and The Undertaker appearing for the main event, next week’s RAW should be TITTIES.

I haven’t understood a word anyone has said. . . (Thanks for posting…yep you guessed it…Vince McMahon.)

Thanks for the participation as always.

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My blog is up. I’m not giving out the link yet (unless you’re on my fbook) because I still need to work out some kinks, but I will get it out there for everybody to see soon. See you on the weekend for the Talking Smack column.

Smell ya later,
John Canton – [email protected]
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